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Today I was identified as "the bottleneck" for The Big Project, because I'm the only one who can do a crucial chunk of the work.  I feel like others should be able to do it, but I show them the stuff and they either glaze over or back away.  *sigh*

I should not need to be the one who drags this thing forward despite itself, and despite the spaghetti-pile of poor decisions that preceded me.  I tire of hauling other people's asses out of the fire.  I tire of compromising my work ethic to meet deadlines.  I tire of being stuck in "the war room" - starting month 4 now.  I don't care how many bags of trail mix and cases of diet Dr. Pepper they bring us, I'm still with other people, all day, every day.  I can get along with and communicate with other people just fine, but I'm still an introvert, which means I lose energy to other people.  I need to be away from people - even the good ones - to recover, and I have a housemate now so I'm rarely alone for long.

I can't simultaneously guide the group work and get my own work done.  So I do the group stuff during the day, sigh with relief when I get the room to myself around 4pm, and stick it out at work until I get the minimum of my own stuff done or I can't take it anymore.  Then I go home and...stop.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Yes, I can cope with this, but that doesn't make it okay.  Most of my time management outside of work is geared toward trying to make sure I don't get too worn down, and there are tons of daily details that are taking the hit.  And huge, important swathes of my personal life that are all but abandoned.  And for the foreseeable future, things will not get any easier, at work or outside of it.

The (unreasonably large number of) managers/leaders are aware of the problems (and the bottleneck), and attempt various fixes...most of which involve extra work for people who don't have the time.  I tire of being disappointed by other people - I really had better not be the best we have to offer.  But, having run out of options, I "took the lead" again today, just so we could move forward again for a while.  I tire of taking the lead.  I tire of being polite and encouraging and understanding and...parental.  I tire of feeling like I have to be that person.

Rant over.

Viruses flying everywhere at work, but so far I'm still relatively healthy.  *sigh*  At this point, a sick day or two sounds very relaxing.



Friending welcome, but lurking is fine too.

Constructive criticism is also welcome - whatever it is, trust me, I've heard worse.



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